sometimes i wish i was homeless..
no money, no taxes, no obligations, no responsibilities, no, no, no, and more no.

but what keeps me from that life of carelessness?
the thought of abundant body odor... that's what.

hot hot and more hot
today is one of those days when it is highly undesirable to be standing/sitting close to someone.. anyone
and if you step outside you will most likely end up inhaling people's body odors...
which is, among other things, unpleasant.

so i have barricaded myself inside with my longtime friend a.c.
and while it’s not cool in here…
it is much cooler than 94 degrees, which is more than i can ask for.

in 2.4 sec my desk can explode into world war III
and it takes 2 days to resolve the issue...
hold up.
does that mean i have the potential to stop a war in just a few days?

once again, i'm getting way ahead of myself...

today was my 1st day of summer
so what did i do?
baked in the sun for a good hour,
gabbed on the phone with a longtime friend for another hour,

then, i did it. i cleaned house.
vacuum. trash. dust. bathroom.
and yup, you guessed it. bacteria on toilet.
to top things off, i had time to shave my legs in refreshing cold H20..
and the day's not over yet!

i'm feelin good~

when i've got a cold, my taste buds do 1 of 2 things..

1. they lose all will to live and everything tastes like cardboard
or
2. they decide to mess with me and everything tastes like something else.
beef tastes like chicken.. ginger crackers taste like peanut butter cookies...

either way the desire to eat is greatly diminished...

goodwill smells of lifesavers candy...

note to self: no more walking coatless in the rain.

it's been eons since my last cold.
for a minute there, i thought i was reaching nirvana..
but no... false alarm...
turns out to be a mild cold...
idiot... not you. me.

*sigh* this brings back memories of bacteria on toilet...

miles, mingus, & monk...
actually they played it monk, miles, then mingus...
but still an awesome combination..
in the presence of jazz greatness for a short period of time..
and for only $2!
now combine that with good company~
we should all be so fortunate~

jazz is x-tasy for music lovers...

reasons as to why i'm usually not awake before 12pm:

1. before 12pm there's a chance i'm not alone (i dislike waking up to annoying people)
2. i don't like breakfast
3. usually, i don't go to sleep till 3 or 4am. therefore, waking up before 12pm wouldn't fulfill the required 8hrs of sleep
4. there's a good chance i'll do something crakhed.. like drink wild cherry pepsi
5. whatever i'm downloading isn't done yet
6. people expect less
7. nothin good is on tv
8. lunch is better than breakfast
9. i'm just plain cranky
10. my eyes won't stay open

i splurged on a grande caramel macchiato today.
now my brain's chemical synapses are translating that into: toomuchcoffee
i keep forgetting i'm only 5ft 105lbs

i feel taller than i really am especially when a pair of pants don't fit me anymore..

then there's brian, who takes one step and i must take 2.5 steps just to keep up..
hence, it gives the illusion that he is a sloth, while i am a sloth on crack.
and only then do i notice things are not as proportionate as i had imagined

it's all about perspectives...

be proud of me...
i speed walked 4 miles today...
hopefully, this will become a trend...

a good friend/therapist told me the other day:
"you're so small, you can afford to grow bigger"

yes, well, that can only last so long...
considering how, at this point in my life, (actually it's been several years) i have ceased to grow vertically...
which means whatever i eat and whatever i don't physically do will cause me to expand horizontally...
on top of which i'm often told i can pass for a high school kid...
so, then i'd be considered to be among the thousands of obese children currently in the u.s. today.

where am i going with this?
i don't know exactly...
but now i have this huge craving for a big, fat, juicy mushroom jalepeno cheeseburger right now...

know of a good place??

i still have friends in anchorage...

it's a wonder cuz most of the people i know did what i did: got the hell outta there as soon as possible
and i did it cuz people before me fled too...
looking back, maybe the desire to escape was cuz my childhood wasn't exactly (psychologically) stable..
if i had actually paid attention i would have noticed Nature in all her beauty ...
just the word "scenery" doesn't do it justice.. "scenery" is what you see in a postcard...
yeah, it sounds sappy, but you actually have to be there...
... the smell of pine, the crisp snap of the twigs, the cool clean air, the dew sparkling in the sun… where everything conveys a natural simplicity..
…aurora borealis… the most awe-inspiring sunsets and sunrises… and the biggest damn stars i ever saw in my entire life…

i always felt cut off from the rest of the world.. living in hick-ville frozen hell,
but it’s exactly the kind of place you want to go when escaping from the world, it’s the kind of place you want to be when everything and everyone around you is too loud and complicated… the kind of place where you can take deep breaths and not worry about pollution..

don’t get me wrong, i wouldn’t want to live there for all the bubble gum in the world…
but now, it’s become the place where i’d like to escape to once in awhile…
it’s not home… but it’s where i got started…

okay.
drove 3 hours up to seattle today. at which point i was feeling pretty good cuz of my spiffy new tires. not that they transform the car into a delorian, but anything new just feels tingly, ya know?
the scenery was nice....
the one thing i will always love about Washington in general is the trees
lots and lots of em... big ones, small ones, some as big as ur head... trees, not coconuts.

on the way there:
- by far the most hideous looking frankenstein car i ever saw was the Pontiac aztec
- airdustrial way – evidently some1 must have thot that was clever...
- mcdonald's oil sludge coffee. accidently spilled some on myself, but it's like invisible ink, cuz somehow it blended in with my white shirt and that scares me.
- on a lighter note, driving to seattle, especially coming over the hill and slowly coming upon the downtown area grants a sense of anticipation. it feels like coming home.

while there:
- more people than i can count with my fingers and toes... much more.
- long walk. i think i did all the walking i can handle this month. plus, i did the dumbshit thing again. i wore these new heeled shoes and the result is 4 fresh blisters. oh, joy. thank you steve madden.
- anybody who knows me knows that i can tan in under 5 min. driving in the car for 3 hours.. well, i think u can imagine what that did to my left arm. but i think i evened it out sitting in the sun for 4 hours waiting for speaker after speaker.

and now, frank sinatra brings closure to my day...
moonriver wider than a mile, i'm crossing you in style someday
oh, the dream maker, you heart breaker, wherever you're going, i'm going your way
two drifters off to see the world
there's such a lot of world to see
we're after the same rainbow's end
waiting round the bend
my huckleberry friend
moonriver~ and me

every time after one of these things i go into reflection-mode
i'm utterly pathetic.
but i don't feel sorry for myself... or feel that i should be pitied.

most of the time i try to coach myself to think that these are the cards i've been dealt with and i just have to deal with them
the rest of the time i think that i wouldn't have turned back if it wasn't for him
i don't blame him...
sure he sits there and does nothing to try to change things, but he's convinced himself that there's nothing he can do.

while i still sit here hoping, believing, desperately needing for things to change.
i wonder, where did i go wrong? why just one? where do i go from here?
and then i miss them all over again, the people i had to leave behind.

she rants and raves about death all the time, but i doubt that she truly understands it. somehow, i think i understand it more than she does. i don’t care if there’s a heaven, hell, or afterlife of any kind, really. i just don’t want to be here. anywhere is better than here.

times like this and i really wish i was a fire-breathing dragon.

in about 5 hours we have to get ready to leave… drive 3 hours to get to my cousin’s graduation. he’s graduating with a ba in biochem, my previous major. the one i gave up on because i felt it wasn’t what i wanted. but i’m sure it’s what he wants and i’m proud of his accomplishment. on the other hand, it’s not what i wanted and somehow i had to work past the fear to stand up for myself and proclaim it. i call it honesty. she calls it disobedience. i call it bi-polarism. she calls it ‘not walking with god.’ i call it ‘unable to see reality if it slapped you in the face.’ she calls it ‘not reading the bible.’

then again, we could never agree on anything.

i don't care what anybody says.
friday the 13th fuckin sucks.

i am so not kidding...
earlier today this thought just popped into my head: i am dumbshit.
and i told a friend and she demanded: explain. now.
however, for the life of me, i couldn't figure out how or why something so random would enter my head..

now, 6 hours later, that message was from me in the future.
you know, the passat commercial and the future version guy calls his past and tells him to buy a passat?
that was me in the future telling the me in the now: i am dumbshit.

had an argument with the 13th apostle today... or waterboy's mom as my friends lovingly call her..
but now that it's over... in retrospect, i saw it coming.

hence, i am dumbshit

while waiting to get my tires changed...
i was scarfing down a polish hot dog today at costco's...
(i'm not all too concerned about my health)

when suddenly, it hit me.
it's friday the 13th!
it's ironic to think that one single day out of 365 is considered unlucky...
cuz sometimes it feels like everyday is unlucky.

well, it's official, a member of my own sex has asked me out on a date.
it's sad to say, i know but,
the first person to ask me out on a date in 2 years turns out to be a chick.
i am chick magnet.

in a way, it's flattering i suppose, in an ellen degeneres sort of way.
but i hope it doesn't turn out to be a trend...
*sigh* i didn't think it'd come down to this,
but i guess i have to get out there and go fishing before it does becomes a trend.
either that or join a nunnery.
which, by the way, turns out.... shakespearean nunnery = whorehouse.
and if they're gettin paid i see nothing wrong with it...
they spread enough disease in this world like Bacteria on Toilet, why not one more?

okay, so i haven't been eating for the past 3 days..
no, i'm not anorexic.
finals week got me weirded out...
anyways, what started with one day w/o a complete meal,
turned out to be 3 days...
what's worse was that, by the third day i wanted to eat..
but couldn't.
note to self: start with liquids before consuming solids.

on top of that, i found out that somehow the physiological need for food
out weighs the need for sleep,
that left me with tossing and turning.
which evidently leads me to leaving messages on bbses
for people who couldn't care less wut i thunk.

한사람
곳 있으면 이 땅위에 귀중한 사람이 사라집니다.
힘 과 평안함 으로 만들어진 사람이죠.
명예와 존경함이 넘친 분이시다
사랑과 진리로 가득찬 존재이며
항상 부지런 하며 아이의 마음씨와 같은 사람이시다.
그 분이 사라있었기에 내가 지금 이 자리에 앉아있다.
할아버지, 편히 쉬세요.

he's got parkinson's disease
we don't know when he'll go

there's a spider on my wall.
do i kill this one like the others and just leave them there?
so far there's 3 smooshed against the wall.
i should peel them off the wall and stick their little bodies on toothpicks.

maybe that'll fend them off.

or should i leave this one alone?
start facing my arachnaphobia???
now watch, murphy's law, this'll be the one that'll kill me.

this sob is going down.
umm... if i can find him.....................................

woo-hoo!!!! school's out, summer is here!!!
and they say it's gonna rain today.
but that's all good. no more calculus.
unless, i decide i need to take another hit to my gpa and i take vector calc.
at which time somebody outta bitch slap me right up side of my head
and i can already think of a choice number of people who'd do it anyways,
out of pure love. xoxoxo

finally, it's over...
well, actually, i have to go back and pay a stupid late book fine..
i wonder if they'll send the library police to hunt me down...

waking up in the middle of the night sucks...
one must wonder, what was so compelling as to wake oneself from sleep..
beautiful sleep...
ah yes, i haven't eaten for the past 2 days...
idiot stomach.
but wut can i do, right? hunger calls. must kill, oops, eat.

i dislike waiting for people to call back...
there's *cringe* my late nite headache...

earlier 2nite i saw the sunset and, for lack of a better word, it was cool..
watched until the last pixel of light died out..
it reminded me of the aurora borealis i saw when i was young(er)...
but, it wasn't, "wow, how awesome"
it was more, "ooh, pretty" and u stare at it like deer in headlights,
cuz you think if you blink your eyes for a second it'll disappear...

oh *ring* phone...