every time after one of these things i go into reflection-mode
i'm utterly pathetic.
but i don't feel sorry for myself... or feel that i should be pitied.

most of the time i try to coach myself to think that these are the cards i've been dealt with and i just have to deal with them
the rest of the time i think that i wouldn't have turned back if it wasn't for him
i don't blame him...
sure he sits there and does nothing to try to change things, but he's convinced himself that there's nothing he can do.

while i still sit here hoping, believing, desperately needing for things to change.
i wonder, where did i go wrong? why just one? where do i go from here?
and then i miss them all over again, the people i had to leave behind.

she rants and raves about death all the time, but i doubt that she truly understands it. somehow, i think i understand it more than she does. i don’t care if there’s a heaven, hell, or afterlife of any kind, really. i just don’t want to be here. anywhere is better than here.

times like this and i really wish i was a fire-breathing dragon.

in about 5 hours we have to get ready to leave… drive 3 hours to get to my cousin’s graduation. he’s graduating with a ba in biochem, my previous major. the one i gave up on because i felt it wasn’t what i wanted. but i’m sure it’s what he wants and i’m proud of his accomplishment. on the other hand, it’s not what i wanted and somehow i had to work past the fear to stand up for myself and proclaim it. i call it honesty. she calls it disobedience. i call it bi-polarism. she calls it ‘not walking with god.’ i call it ‘unable to see reality if it slapped you in the face.’ she calls it ‘not reading the bible.’

then again, we could never agree on anything.